Whatever

It has been 6 days that the weather seems like a manifestation of what I am feeling inside; gloomy and cold. I just moved in to my new apartment. It is nice and I have made it cozy, but why do I not feel at home in it?

Well, this feeling is not new to me. I never knew where "home" is. When I am in the Philippines, I always say " I want to go home" meaning: go back to the US, but when I am in the US, I always feel that home is in the Philippines. I felt that when I was married and had a happy home with my Don, imagine now being alone and somewhere in between confusion and depression. I think I need to heed my doctors' advice and start taking anti-depressants. She said "there's too much to do, you need to get on the anti-depressant so you can move on with your life." Since when do we need anti-depressants to move on with life?

Of course, we get the occasional blues, the occasional unintelligible ramblings of the heart, so does that mean we are depressed and unhappy? Maybe. But without this feeling of unstability and unhappiness, we will never desire for better and bigger things, we will just settle for the mediocre. It is healthy to be unhappy in this world, after all, this is not home --we are just passing through. We need to long for our home in heaven, the one "not made with hands" as Paul said.

But what would be unhealthy is for us to stop living, to stop giving and loving while we are in this world. I am very aware of my inner turmoil because I am a very analytical person. I like answers to every question, but what I notice is that when I am in the Philippines, I don't really need answers. I still have the same questions, but they don't seem to beg for answers when I am there. The workplace here is at a maddening speed and almost everyone I talk to on the other end of the phone wants things done yesterday. But I think, people are always in a hurry so they don't catch up with themselves and find that everything is shallow and lonely. People take up causes and goals only to find after each accomplishments that it really is chasing after the wind. Vanity- all is vanity.

Choices makes people unsatisfied and depressed, otherwise, why is half of the people in this country being sedated? People change spouses as frequent as they do oil change in their cars. Why? because they can I guess. As for me, it does not take much to depress me. I look at my pantry and I see two different types of canned cuttlefish, and I say " whoa, this is too much". So I pace back and forth and try to decide which one I should eat, by the time I make a decision, my brain dictates my palates for a different food craving. So I go back to the pantry and start the same process again. See what I mean? Choices leaves open the possibility of missed opportunities and that depresses me.

I am just rambling and ranting so no theme to this article, just endless choices of topics to rant about. So I better quit before I get more depressed.