To Be or Not to Be

Life is a series of choices, even choosing not to choose is a choice. The options are clear according to God. He has set before us life or death, blessing or cursing, "therefore choose life" He said. On one side there is the voice of safety, on the other side there's the whisper of adventure. Some people are adventurous, while others always choose the safe route. As Max Lucado says: Stay warm and dry for what you don't try and you can't fall if you don't take a stand.

The safe side is not exciting, so quit that job, adopt the child, change careers, move to another city or another country. But whatever you do, make sure God is coming with you. There are 3 choices in life: Run, look, or commit. In my 53 years of life, it seems that I've spent it on running and looking and I'm bored with it. Commitment is big, commitment is scary, but it's never dull. We can choose to participate in the roller coaster where it can be nauseating or we can opt out and choose to watch the wheels turn from the safety of what's familiar. Take a chance--Columbus did.

Happiness?

Now what about happiness? This is such an overused word and we don't even know what it is, because if we know what it is, we'd recognize it when it comes and be happy. Kant said something along this line: "Give a man everything he wants, and everything then will not be everything."

I understand we all have "days off" "down days" or whatever term you come up with to describe your inner ramblings. The other day, I was listening to this economist guy talk about happiness and he was coming from a secular viewpoint, not from a biblical perspective. Yet, he hammered a very good point. He said that people are "happiest" when they are virtuous. When we are more giving, when we're nicer to others and when we do the right thing and we don't have to look over our shoulder -afraid of being caught, we're happiest. Therefore, happiness should not be our goal, but doing the moral thing is.

There was a point in my life when I was so unhappy, almost unbearable even, but I got up every morning and accepted that it was my lot in life. I struggled through and God knew when I had enough, so He picked me up and carried me the rest of the way. And just as the unhappiness ended, so did the happy ones.

When daily life gets harder to discern or sort through, always remember what Solomon said:

"This is the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God and keep His commandments, for this is man's all. For God will bring every work into judgement, including every secret thing, whether good or evil."

Leech or Love?

When Chat is close by, my day is serene and sound. Regardless that I have an unquiet mind her presence is always a stabilizing force for me. I realize how vital she is to me, like air is to breathing but I don't like the feeling I am feeling lately. I feel like I'm losing control of my emotions - like I'm an old woman and needy.

I was talking to a friend the other day and we talked about her mother -the kind of mother I would not want to be. Her mother drains her emotionally by constantly telling her how bad she is because she's not taking care of her. Which of course is not true. My friend struggles between the boundary of trying to do the right thing and trying to preserve herself. We'd like to think that there should be no boundaries or limits to doing the right thing. But there is. There's something to be said about the Asian culture: One thing, we have what we call a closely knitted family, meaning, we stick out for each other even if it's to our own destruction.
So what does sticking out for each other mean?

Here's what it is not:
1. It is not about leaning on and sticking like a leech to the person you claim to love. If you're a parent, your goal should be to equip your kids to fly,to soar and look up to the direction of God. And not make them carry you like a thorn on their side.

2. It is not making the other person be the lone source of your happiness or misery. As parents, we look to our kids as an addition, a gift from God but not necessarily to make us complete. It is God who completes us.

3. It is not about giving or witholding financial help. Giving should be done not to make up for past or present guilt. Nor should help be withheld to punish for past or present mistakes. Because money should not be used as a power or as a tool to lord over people.

My friend is so burdened by her mother, and I think she knows what direction to take, which is to preserve herself. But because of societal ramifications, she's divided. I am not concerned of societal ramifications so I told her what I think she should do- and that is to stay away from anything toxic - and that includes her mother. This is harsh coming from a person with an Asian upbringing, but what good will anyone be to anybody if they're so beaten down?

Oh,talk about beaten down, I think I'm getting close to doing that to Chat because yesterday, she told me to take a long hike. When I asked her how long, she said, "like out of the country long". I took the hint as serious when she told me she's paying for it.

Fly or Sleep

"Oh, that I had wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest." King David of Israel once lamented when he was betrayed by a friend and violent enemies surrounded him. When our situation becomes uncomfortable, it's normal to want to escape from it. My coast is clear, my feathers unruffled, so why am I always wanting to escape?

Flight, wings, departure. Three words I like - it gives me the illusion that I am going somewhere. I don't have to have less-than -suitable situations for me to want to escape. I am always wanting to escape. From what? I don't know. Maybe from myself. Chat is always trying to bail me out from myself; buying me vacations, flying me to anywhere but here and supplying me with books to transport my mind to imagined places - places void of agitation. But agitation is good, it's what perfects the pearl. Agitation is good. No need to depart. Perfection is flawed.

Writing my book is cathartic for me; it helps me sort out and purge emotions but it also brings unwanted memories to the surface. Memories that sucks the life out of me. I am one of those writers who hates rereading what I have written, because I write only as the energy, the muse dictates. When that force leaves, the written words stares at me bland and lifeless. Bland. Lifeless. Metaphor of my life.

Flight. Wings. Departure. Agitation. Sleep in the clouds. Forever.

You May Already Be There

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village. A tourist
complimented the local fishermen on the quality of their fish and
asked how long it took to catch them.

"Not very long." they answered in unison.

"Why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?"

The fishermen explained that their small catches were sufficient to
meet their needs and those of their families.

"But what do you do with the rest of your time?"

"We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children and take siestas
with our wives. In the evenings, we go into the village to see our
friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs. We
have a full life."

The tourist interrupted, "I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help
you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell
the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger
boat."

"And after that?"

"With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second
one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of
trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then
negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico
City , Los Angeles , or even New York City ! From there you can
direct your huge new enterprise."

"How long would that take?"

"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years" replied the tourist.

"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well my friend, that's when it gets really interesting,"
answered the tourist, laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?" asked the fishermen.


"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the
coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a
siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying
your friends."

And the moral of this story is: Know where you're going in life...You may already be there.


(From a viral email)

Staying Young

From George Carlin:

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3.Keep learning. ! Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever, even ham radio. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's family name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love , whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

God Knows Best

I asked God for strenght, that I might achieve
I was made weak, that I might learn humbly to obey.

I asked for health, that I might do greater things
I was given infirmity, that I might do better things.

I asked for riches, that I might be happy,
I was given poverty that I might be wise.

I asked for power, that I might have the praise of men...
I was given weakness, that I might feel the need of God.

I asked for all things, that I might enjoy life
I was given life that I might enjoy all things.

I got nothing that I asked for - But everything that I hoped for.

Canine Compassion

God placed in each of us a heart of compassion, yes, even in dogs, but sometimes we humans chose to ignore it. How else would a dog know to have compassion if his Creator didn't embed it in him?


Video Courtesy: MrCristea

At the Cross

Everything is levelled at the cross...at the foot of Jesus. HIS blood paid for every bad thing you and I have done.

Video Courtesy of WimNL-Thanks

Truth, Fiction and Rice Cakes

I grew up on a farm and our house was at the foot of the hill and for the most part of my childhood I grew up thinking that Jesus was killed on that hill right by where I lived. During the Holy Week, on that Wednesday, a mob of people would go up to the top of the hill and they would cut down trees and carry them down(symbolical of carrying a cross?) but I don't remember what they did with the trees or where they end up taking them. All I know was that they called that hill "Mount Calvary." Yes, in the island of Cebu, Philippines.

During that whole week in my house, we were not supposed to laugh or show happiness. "This is a sad week because Jesus, the son of God is dead." My mom would say that whenever I let out a hint that I was happy. Then on Saturday, I was not allowed to take a bath because "Judas is washing himself of the blood after he killed Jesus." She would say that with contempt in her voice. I don't know where my mom got her messed up stories from, but sure sound believable to a 9 year old girl, but even after I knew the truth, I was not about to correct her or she would say, "Just because you went to school doesn't mean you know more than me." Now, that part, she was right.

Why am I bringing this up. Because during that week my mom would be busy grinding rice in our old fashioned stone grinder because whenever there is a gathering of people is an opportunity to sell something. She would make rice cakes; nothing fancy, just ground rice with coconut milk, sugar and tuba (fermented coconut sap) in place of baking powder. I don't remember my mom making anything that requires long preparation except this one. Lately, I am feeling so nostalgic of my childhood and mostly I miss my mom because I was always helping her sell whatever. It was a hard life, but it was my life and it's what made me who I am today. The only thing I regret, is I don't know how to make that same "puto", it's a shame I have to scour the internet to find the recipe. This picture that Market Manila took is exactly how my moms puto looked like except she did not make but a white puto with the purple sprinkle. The old tin pot (make do steamer) and the coconut husk for fuel makes me feel so homesick.

What Are We Missing

Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning in 2007. The man with a violin played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

*After 3 minutes a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule.

4 minutes later: the violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.

6 minutes: A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again.

10 minutes:A 3-year old boy stopped but his mother tugged him along hurriedly. The kid stopped to look at the violinist again, but the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk, turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. Every parent, without exception, forced their children to move on quickly.

45 minutes:The musician played continuously. Only 6 people stopped and listened for a short while. About 20 gave money but continued to walk at their normal pace. The man collected a total of $32.

1 hour:He finished playing and silence took over. No one noticed. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition. No one knew this, but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the greatest musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written, with a violin worth $3.5 million dollars, two days before Joshua Bell sold out a theater in Boston where the seats averaged $100.

This is a true story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of a social experiment about perception, taste and people's priorities. The questions raised: in a common place environment at an inappropriate hour, do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize talent in an unexpected context?

One possible conclusion reached from this experiment could be this: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world, playing some of the finest music ever written, with one of the most beautiful instruments ever made.... How many other things are we missing?

Source: Snopes, Washington Post

Boredom, Bored and Boring

Where you come from is gone, where you thought you were going to never was there, and where you are is no good unless you can get away from it. In yourself right now is all the place you've got. - Flannery O'Connor


I don't ever know how to be at peace with the present, I don't ever get sentimentally attached to the past and I don't ever obsess about anything. And when I did finally find an obsession -the Journey/Arnel Pineda - it only lasted less than a year. Why can't I even sustain an obsession?

Because I get bored easily my mind is on the constant state of departure. The other day, being bored at work, I tried to write down my bucket list. Here's what I came up with:

1. Find a perfect travel companion
2. Live or wander around Europe for at least 3 months with my perfect travel companion
3. Not get bored with Europe after 3 days
4. Not get bored with my perfect travel companion after 3 hours
5. Carry through #1 and #2 before I get bored just reading my list

When a person is bored, that person also becomes boring so I am trying to prevent that because the only thing worse than boring is being old and boring. If only I could obsess on not getting bored, it would be a start.

Shout to The Lord

On days when you're paralyzed by sadness and guilt, when the tormenting question of "what if" visits you more often than not...just shout to the Lord.


Video Courtesy -APM7786

Happy 4th

I don't work out but I like to take long walks especially in the spring or fall but even with the heat today, I needed to walk off the cobwebs in my brain. (if that's possible) I made sure and brought my camera today. The back gate leading to the walking trail.

Start of the trail.
Then it leads to here, my favorite part because it will lead to the railroad track next to my refuge creek.
And voila---I love trains and railroad tracks. I skip-walk on the tracks paying attention that I don't get too consumed on my thoughts and not hear the oncoming train.

My refuge creek. In the spring and fall, it has more water. I don't care for lakes or ocean, but I love streams and creeks because I grew up and spent most of my childhood in the creek. I sit here after my walk and I always feel exhilarated.
Then back to my apartment- entrance gate with little flags - Happy 4th!!!

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year-old grandson.
The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and
failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.
When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.
'We must do something about father,' said the son.
'I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.'

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.
There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.
Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl.

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.
Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.
He asked the child sweetly, 'What are you making?' Just as sweetly, the boy responded,
'Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up.
' The four-year-old smiled and went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table.
For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,
neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

How far you go in life depends on your
being tender with the young
being compassionate with the aged
being sympathetic with the striving
being tolerant of those weaker than you

Because one day, you will be all of these.

Just here and there

Chat used to ask me why she doesn't have baby pictures. I told her that the year she was born, the camera was already invented but money was not...at least not in my economy. This was Chat at 6 months old. We tell her the reason she is dark is because she didn't have any covering from day one because I can't afford it.

Chat in one of the rare -very rare occasions that she is not wearing black. When she was young and living at home, she would get ticked at her dad because Don would always get to her about "there's other color besides black" and when she would wear dresses way above her knees Don would say, "Where's the skirt to that blouse?"

Two months ago, when I was walking around KL airport, waiting for my flight to Penang, a thought suddenly came to me that jolted me into a profound realization: I said to myself, "One of these days, I will either get disabled or dead. I will do whatever I want to do now if I can afford it."

Then two weeks after I landed back here in Dallas, I landed in the hospital. Lying in that hospital bed I was reminded of that thought and while anguished about the future, I concluded I have no regrets of the past.

If you thought I look horrible here with my bedhead, you should have seen my face-red and swollen from the dengue fever. This was the night when the doctor told me I could go home in the morning. Chat likes to take pictures of me in the hospital because she said she wants to show it to me when "you get cocky at times."

Why Do I Solo

When I was in Penang, my friend Frank insisted that he paid for everything the first day I was there; I can understand one meal but all day? and even for a transformer that I thought I needed? How weird. I did not feel right with that. I always have a problem with that set up. I hate being entertained and catered to – I can only stand so much of that and I cannot convey this to people without offending them.

In 2006 I was in Kota Kinabalo and my friend drove me around and paid for every meal. She won't even let me pay for coffee. When I wanted to spend time at the public market and at the bird farm, she didn’t think it was “good for me”. What? I was planning to stay there at least a week; I had to leave after 2 days because I felt suffocated with the attention. Am I just too independent that this Asian generosity is rubbing me the wrong way?

I used to drag Jordan wherever I went here in Cebu because he just tags along and don’t ask questions. Now that he’s older, he asks too many questions and tries to dissuade me into thinking his way. That's getting on my eggs, it kills me. I have so many preacher friends who want me to come to their church when I am in town but I avoid them like a plague because they always make a big deal out of my presence – “we have a guest from America.” Why the qualifier? Ok, so I nitpick too much.

I still smile when I recall what my friend Jette said because she said it so matter of fact: “You have so many issues, why can’t you just go with the flow?” I quote Dr. Dobson for my answer: “In matters of style, swim with the flow. In matters of principle stand firm like a rock.”

I guess I am not trying to convince anybody but myself: It’s ok I’m a loner, it’s ok I want solitude 99% of the time, it’s ok that I’m not married. And most of all, it’s ok that I am being a butt. Please agree on the last part.

Why Not?

As I was looking out to the quiet and lush countryside of Malaysia then to the rushed and chaos of Kuala Lumpur and Georgetown, I ached for the Philippines. Why can't we pull ourselves up? We have the same manpower (if not the friendliest people in the world). This is my second time to Malaysia, but this is the first time I ached so bad for the Philippines - for my people.

And then someone sent me this: http://www.cultureunplugged.com/play/1081/Chicken-a-la-Carte.

Living in the Present

I have yet to learn how to live in the present. I am either romanticizing the past or contemplating about the future. I know this is not the way to live, God says that tomorrow has enough problems of it's own, and that we can not add a single cubit to our life by worrying. Rightly translated it means - live and thank God for the present and trust that God has the future under control. The present is the fruit of the past and the seed for the future, so be careful on what we do with it.

I love to say that there are two plans: My plan and God's plan; and my plan doesn't count. The Yiddish proverb is better said: If you want to make God laugh, tell Him about your plans.

When I sit in my spacious and comfortable apartment in Dallas, I make all these plans on what to do when I get here in Cebu. Then I get here and sit in my postage stamp size apartment and I wilt and all plans evaporate. I am not a planner to begin with, my stepson who is a physician used to tell me in jest : Don't buy green bananas, you may not live long enough to see it ripen.

The range of my long term plan is in the context of 2 hours. Australia is no longer in the plan, after that mess up with Wings Travel, I have to cut my losses and regroup. I bought a ticket yesterday to go to Singapore instead then bus it to Melaka then on to Penang. Well, that's my plan, I hope that's God's plan too. At least let me eat laksa before I die or change my mind...again.

I'll never know how much it cost....

Hillsong Video: Courtesy of Santini24

Light of the world
You stepped down into darkness
Opened my eyes let me see
Beauty that made this heart adore You
Hope of a life spent with You

Here I am to worship
Here I am to bow down
Here I am to say that You’re my God

You’re altogether lovely
Altogether worthy
Altogether wonderful to me

King of all days
Oh so highly exalted
Glorious in heaven above
Humbly You came to the earth You created
All for love’s sake became poor

I’ll never know how much it cost
To see my sin upon that cross

Call:
Call upon the name of the Lord
And be saved