I crossed 50

I don't even remember my password to get in to my blogger account. Yeah, it's been a while. I did not want to write anymore and still don't. But today, I feel that I have to start again. But what do I want to talk about? Let's start with how I feel about turning 50, well, it is not "turning" anymore because it arrived 8 months ago. In my previous blog I talked about turning 50 and how much I looked forward to it. I said that because I had fun in my 40's. Even with my conversations being peppered with words like peri, menopause and hormonal avalanche, I had more highs than lows. It was a mentally and emotionally challenging years but momentous nonetheless. But now everything is taxing - physically, emotionally and mentally. I have slowly accepted the fact that Victoria can no longer hold my Secret. Thongs still fit but only if I wear it in between my toes. Regardless that I adjust the strap all the way to my shoulder to pull them totoys up, they still like to race as to which one would get to the knees first. My friend Lynn used to offer me her daughters used clothes, now she offers me hers.
Four years ago, my doctor told me to start doing exercises that builds muscles to avoid thickening around the waist. I reasoned that I need to sleep more than I need to squat and besides, I need fat for padding for when I round them corners carelessly. I should have listened because now, I can't turn a corner without strategic planning. Not only does my knees crackle, my hip needs 2 weeks advance notice before it will even turn.

So what am I trying to say? Fifty is definitely different. It makes me rethink of my position in life. I no longer think so much of where I should live (Philippines or Texas) but where I should be buried. Only a year ago, I wished for a husband to enjoy the days of travel and food adventures with me. Only a year ago, I imagined a husband to cuddle up with on cold nights but now, I get panic attacks just thinking about sharing my 600 count bedsheets and not being able to sleep diagonally across my king size bed.

But really, being 50 is not all bad. Fifty is the springtime of the second half of our life---euphemism for menopause. At 50, I have become more philosophical to which I can do things I am not supposed to do or skip the things I am expected to do. All can be explained away by saying, "Well, you know, since I turned 50, I don't retain much information; the only thing I retain now is water."
When people say nasty things about me, I have a hard time putting together who said what and when.
And when I am praised or given a compliment, I don't get a big head--I simply grin and silently say "of course, because I'm perfect."
As Dr. Christiane Northrup says : Menopause is the perfect time to download who we are and play it out loud.