My frustration level is getting dangerously high. I can't get to my emails because I can only access it through my laptop which is not working, because the router is not working.  And I can't use this  desktop because even after I logged in with the right password, it says I'm "locked". And my knowledge about computers extends only to knowing how to turn it off or on. Or picking it up to throw it away. The only friend I am comfortable of asking help from is a quadruplegic and can't get upstairs to my apartment, plus, my apartment right now is littered with stuff, every inch of space. And this is what brings on the frustration and the psychosis because I can't live in a cluttered environment without my brain feeling like all the useful cells have been wringed out of it.

My surroundings dictates how I think. If it's dirty and disorganize, I can't think straight. I freeze. And get psychotic. I was going to get a storage to store some things, but now, since I don't know how to create a tornado, I am strongly considering burning the whole place down. Yet, I am feeling so guilty for the wastefulness that these things I have represents.  I have an ongoing talk with God asking Him for forgiveness, for all the wastefulness I did to the resources He gave me. To lessen the guilt, I want to give them to someone, but I can't feel justified or gratified in doing so because honestly, I know of no one who needs anything anymore here in America. 

I need to get to that place of reconciliation, to where I can just walk away from all of these and not be imprisoned by the nagging thought: What if I need them later on? Will just have to worry about it when that day comes, won't we?   Right now, I just need to decide what I should have--coffee or whiskey.