My Long Journey

When Don died unexpectedly in Cebu 5 years ago, my world turned upside down literally overnight. Even though I knew I was in God’s hands, I felt like my world was spinning beyond my control. I blacked out from everything, hardly remembering anything except that God is still in control. After the funeral, I flew back to the US with Chat. She was really worried about me because I could not get up and when I did, I would not talk but just cry.

Chat made an appointment for me with this world-renowned Christian psychiatrist here in Dallas. Chat will not let me go back to Cebu unless I gave in. I agreed because I didn’t want her to worry but also because in spite of me being catatonic, I was lucid enough to know I was pretty useless if I didn’t get any help.

Dr. M is not cheap but was worth every penny I paid; he was very soothing and comforting and showed me utmost compassion when all I could do was show him pictures of me and Don. In between sobs, I would tell him – “Don’s not here anymore”. “ I know sweetie., he is with Jesus”
Now I know how psychiatrists lose their license - their patients fall in love with them.

That was 5 years ago. This year, Chat wants me to see Dr. M again. "What in the world for?"
" Mom, You need to sleep." How do you know I'm not sleeping? "You're blogging too much."

So, here's the vision of the visit to Dr. M.

Dr. M: Hey, good to see you again, how are you doing? Not looking at me but squinting at the chart in his hand.

Me : I must have been here so many times before for you to recognize me. I was trying to analyze him.
Dr M: The chart shows you’ve been here one time 5 years ago, but hasn’t been back. The meds I have prescribed must have worked.
Me: I took it for 2 weeks but I stopped, I didn’t like what it was doing to me.
Dr M: What was it doing to you?
Me: I was driving alone on 75 and I went for 2-3 miles just laughing and giggling. I could not stop being giddy.
Dr. M : Well, that's good. That’s how anti-depressants are supposed to work.
Me: I understand that Doc, under a different circumstance that’s good, but not when I just buried my husband two weeks prior. He squints at the chart again.
Dr M. So what can I do for you today?
Me: I am well, but I need sleeping pills. I just need to sleep.
Dr M: Why do you think you’re not sleeping?

Me: Well, I think it’s this voice I keep hearing. I think it’s a lyric to a song but it won’t leave me. So I hum it. I hum all day and at night. Way into the night.

Dr. M: Do you think this voice or lyrics belong to a singer or a band you know?

Me: Ooh, Doc, you probably know the band. Do you know Journey?

Dr M: Of course, my parents grew up with Journey, are they still alive?

Me: Oooh Doc, they are more alive than ever, and they have this new frontman –Arnel Pineda, I think that's "the voice". But it would take me more than an hour to tell you about them. So tell you what, let me give you the Youtube link so you can watch them when you get home. Their Revelation CD is out. Does your wife shop at Wal-mart?
Dr M pretends he didn’t hear me and scrawled something on my chart.

Me: Another thing Doc, is it normal to fall in love with 2-5 men at the same time with equal intensity?

Dr M : The hour is up, will talk about that on your next visit.
He laid down the chart to look for his prescription pad. I peeked at what he wrote.

Dx = obsessed. Rx = straight jacket

So ya'll understand if you see less posting from now on, is because I have to sleep. So Chat won't drag me to see Dr. M again.