Can I? Or May I Leave Now?

Lovers and madmen have such seething brains - Shakespeare

It's 1248 at night and I just hang up from my boyfriend (but Chat says when you're over 50 -you should not call each other bf/gf but nursing-home-friend). I am seething blue from anger. Anger at myself. We women are gifted with a sixth sense - we know when a relationship is over long before we know how to put it in words. But we don't leave, we don't confront, we don't even stop being nice to him inspite that we're dying inside. We stay until there's nothing left of us but a shadow of who we were.

I know I should have walked away from this relationship two years ago. But I didn't, because I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to have to explain to friends why it did not work. So I continued with the show, because really, it's all a show. See? I have a boyfriend, you don't need to pity me. But the resentment was eating me alive. The resentment became too much to hide, I lost my self-respect, which diminished my respect for him. And in time, slowly but surely - loathing and contempt has come. Not towards him but me.

I am angry for not having the courage to walk away from something that has suffocated my spirit and stopped me from feeling whole. From something that is hindering me from moving forward towards independence. Most of us stay in a relationship for financial reasons. That's why we women should establish ourselves financially and spiritually before we embark on a relationship, so when we meet that man, we will know for sure that we are not in need but in love.

It's healthy to be angry as long as we don't let it control us or it will lead to unforgiveness. Unforgiveness not only imprisons but also makes us sick. The antidote to unforgiveness? I try to remember that one man named Jesus ransomed me not with gold or silver but with His own blood. And I remember to be grateful that when things seem so dark, I'm not lost even when I could not find His hand, because I know His heart. And I hear Him whisper : Don't cry because it's over, be happy because it happened. I will try but not tonight.