Me, Myself and I

I toot my own horn when it comes to my Chatter. Because she is very well read there's no topic that Chat can't tackle, but I always tell her that people doesn't care how much you know -people wants to know how much you care. And care she does.

At the hospital waiting room last Saturday, while I was waiting for Cynthia's doctor to update us of her condition, Chat showed up and when she saw me crying, she started to cry too. She always told me that she's less concerned about my loved ones who have died because they are in a better place anyway, but she's more concerned about my coping skills. When I get derailed and unhinged, Chat would always recite biblical principles about life and living and in Cynthia's case she looked up medical articles about her condition and consulted daily with her doctor friends but when nothing seemed to comfort me, she said: "Ok, where do you want to travel, do you want to get away? I will pay for it." I said, I don't want to travel, I just want Cynthia to live.

Yesterday, I felt better mentally and emotionally because Cynthia woke up and started talking intermittently and my conniving brain started working too. Hmmm. I wondered where I should go - should I fly, should I drive, since Chat is paying I can stay at a nice hotel...hmm.
Yes, God has so blessed me with a daughter like Chat, and yes, I want to go somewhere but I also need to be careful that I don't go to the lowest form of humans.....me.me.me.

While She's Asleep

When I first met Cynthia, I immediately liked her but true to myself, I drew the line how far she can enter my world and how much space she can occupy -because I don't like to be crowded in. She continued to show interests in me and even concern when she doesn't hear from me. She likes to give hugs and I don't - unless you're male and clean. Ok, so I'm sick in the head. But Cynthia trained me to give hugs readily, because regardless if I liked it or not, she was going to hug me. Then we became close - so close that when she closes her eyes, I feel tired. Ok, maybe that's a stretch.
She knew how to handle my panic attacks and my other head issues so I kept her as my friend, and surprisingly she also kept me. And life was going great until yesterday. Cynthia was sick all week last week, and now she's on an induced coma with the ventilator because of a burst aneurysm. I created a blog for her to help me cope, but mostly so she can read it when she wakes up. Here.

http://cynthiarueca.blogspot.com/

Friend or Foe?

Several years back when I started "seeing" someone, a friend of mine asked me: So, is he divorced? single and never been married and does he have any kids? I told her, he's separated and no kids. Well, short of sitting me down, with one hand on the hip and finger wagging at my face like I'm small, she told me in no uncertain terms: "Ritchie, you need to end that relationship, he's still married. You know better than to stay."

Then her husband died and she started dating - if you can call pursuing men who refused to be pursued as "dating." The 5 men (as of the last count) are all single with no attachments to kids or previous wives -their families want nothing to do with them. But all of these men have an attachment to porn, alcohol and drugs in one form or another and this latest one is also very attached to his parole officer. My friend would run my life if I let her, but God forbid if I tell her how to run hers, and I don't. Until last night.

She has made it clear that she will cut off any relationship with her friends and even families if they start telling her to break off with Tom. I've never hinted anything like that to her, I simply listen and let her vent when she calls or when we meet - not because I want to remain in her phone book, because God knows, all I wanted from day one was for her to have amnesia about me. But last night I finally told her, the man you got is not an addition, he's a deduction. Tom just got out of prison and already doing the same crap before he went to prison and my friend still thinks he's Hugh Jackman.

I told her about my principle when it comes to dating: I'm not looking for rich men (though I can learn how to live with a lot of money)but they must add something to me. Not take away from me. I can be poor on my own - I don't need any man to help me with that. I need a man to lift me up not pull me down, if you can't do that, then let's both stay under the bridge but curl up in your corner and I'll huddle in mine. You push your cart and I'll push mine.

My friend said this wisdom of mine is crap, forgetting that several years back she was on her high horse telling me what to do. Moral of the story? Until you walk in someones Choo's it's better to keep your flap shut.

Writers Block

I'm hitting a wall. I was on my computer from 8 a.m to 3pm the other day -only getting up for something to eat or drink, and all I got was a numb butt. Yesterday, I did not write because I am hosting a friend for a few days and also I need to be able to feel my butt again. Then today, I have to take care of a sick friend and a class to attend, so I have decided to take a few days off from writing.

Why is it that engineers or nurses doesn't get the "block"? Can you imagine when you're laid up in your hospital bed and your nurse is incapacitated and tells you, she's having the nurses' block?
Thank God, only writers have it- right? Whatever.

Publish or Perish

Professional writers don't sell the finished product - they sell the idea and will only write it when they're given the advance fee. But since I am not a pro, I can pretend that I'm a pro and hawk my idea to a major publishing house and see if they'll cut me a check or I can find an investor(s) who believes in my book and publish the book ourselves then when a major house picks it up, the investor also gets a share of the royalty.

Both suggestions are great and more so on the latter because it's from an investor himself who will cut me the check if I agreed to the terms. Well, when I told Chat today, she said, "Just hold your horses mom, I have investors lined up already." I have investors? I wanted to know who my investors are and she told me to just write the book and leave the rest to her because she is my "handler." Since when did I get a handler? "When you're not famous, you get a handler. If you get famous, then I'll be your manager." She said. Well, I thought I'd better shut up or she'll cut me loose instead of cutting me a check.

Now or Never

Ok. so let's get this straight - I am out of money, but I am not out of work. Why, it 's 11pm and I'm still up working. Well, not up like vertical, but up, as in awake. Seriously, I have not mentioned this on my blog, so get this right here straight from the rats mouth- the reason I quit my old job and the last one is because I have come to realize that I will never be able to write the book I have been meaning to write if I have to hold down a job also. I just don't have the brain power to tackle two things at one time.

So here I am hunkering down to finish my book. My friends are very supportive about me writing the book, but I know some of them would like to ask the obvious question: Can you afford not to work? Well, let me say this, I can't afford not to write this book. I just could not see myself anymore going to work day in and day out and not doing what I want to do. I believe that it is time to do "what I want to do" instead of what 'I have to do."

The target date is July. Publishing will take care of itself so I'm not worried about that. So come July, I either publish or perish.

We're with You Haiti

God knows when we're going to die, how and where. The people of Haiti have suffered from it's leaders through all these years and now this devastating earthquake. The people who have died are no longer suffering but the living continues the almost never ending agony. I know that when you lose a loved one, no reason will ease your heart but only the comforting touch of God. That is why it is better to be quiet around someone who had suffered a loss because to say "I understand what you're going through" is not really true. You and I may have an "idea" of their pain but we could never fathom the depth of their suffering.

We may never understand the events in our life: good or bad, but one thing for sure, God is sovereign and His decisions are always the best for us in the end. I am not minimizing anyone's pain, but I have to say that God has pre-ordained for this earthly body to be destroyed in order for it to be able to walk through the curtain to meet our Maker.The flesh and bones are scattered all over the landscape of Haiti, but we can take comfort in knowing that their Spirit is with their Maker. If one has accepted and believed that Jesus' death on the cross was enough to reconcile him back to his Maker, then he is saved and in the presence of God right now. Haitians, take courage, it's ok for you to ask the question, "Where is God in all of these?" The answer is, He is sitting exactly at the same place, where He was, when His son was hanging on the cross.

Why? and Why Not?

Why does God wait until the house is on foreclosure? Why does He wait until the sickness is pronounced terminal? Why does He wait and seem silent to our prayers? I don't know. I only know that He is never late and never early -but He's always on time.

Though it is eerily quiet, He is speaking. Though we can't see nothing, He is acting. Our sufferings are never wasted because there are no accidents with God. Hold on. Hold tight. Cling to the vine. "Because apart from Me you can do nothing" Jesus said.

Video Courtesy: WimNL

The Myth of the Greener Grass

The last several weeks I have been tasked to lead our Sunday Womens Fellowship. After church, we meet for lunch at one of the ladies' home and discuss the mornings' preaching and also discuss our week-which is mostly about work issues and marriage issues (to those who are married). Then we look to the bible to help guide us on how to handle our issues. The women can really get inspired and animated in the telling of their stories. (While I, only get animated when I see that one of the ladies brought my favorite dish.) The recurring thread with the married women is "I am unhappy with my husband," and the recurring thread with the work issues is that "I have problems with my co-worker." These are real issues and I understand that you can't deny other people's reality; you can only build on it. But I also know that we all have this illusion of the "grass is greener on the other side" and misconception about "happiness." I came across an old letter sent to Ann Landers, I thought it's appropriate to share and learn from.

I would like to share my story because I know that a lot of people think of their lives the way I thought of mine. Sometimes you feel lonely and unloved in a marriage, even after 23 years. You feel as if there has got to be more to life, so you set out to find someone who can make you happy. You believe that you have found someone and decide he is exactly what you want . So you pack up and say goodbye to that 23-year marriage and all the friends you made when you were part of a couple.
You give your children the option of coming with you or staying with their father. You live the glorious life for a few years and then a light bulb goes on in your head. You realize that you have exactly the life that you had before - the only difference is that you've lost your friends, your children's respect and best friend you loved and shared everything with for 23 years. And you miss him. You realize that love does not just happen; it must be nurtured through the years.
You can not undo what has been done, so you settle for a lonely and loveless life with emptiness in your heart. Ann, please print my letter so others will not give up something that is truly precious and let them know that they won't know how precious it is until they have thrown it away.
Heavy-Hearted in Philly

Happy New Year

Last night, new years eve I went to bed at 7:17pm and didn't wake up til 530 a.m. When my friend called this morning and asked me what I did last night, I said, "I wouldn't know- I was asleep." But I know what I did before I went to sleep. I went to Sprouts and bought cheese, grapes, pears and 3 bottles of red wine -3 bottles? yeah, because it was on sale for 10 dollars. (Zanax will never go on sale, you know.) Then I made the dough for my bread this morning. I woke up at 530 and shaped and baked it.Wasn't sure how I want my bread shaped so I decided clover leaf because I miss Luby's Cafeteria rolls.Let it rise, brush with more butter and bake.The cheese is optional but you can sprinkle it on top after you take it out of the oven. I tried one, I don't really care for it-just as well so I can have more with my wine.