The "Bakal Boys"

With all the things that God has blessed me with, the airconditioner is one of those things that I can't do without. I can compromise on the other comfort and conveniences of life, but I just can't be too hot or too cold. These last 2 weeks, the heat has been tremendous; it can fry your brain if you stay out there long enough. And today is one of those head splitting hot day that I had to give notice to everyone --- I am not coming out of my crib; I am not doing errands, or seeing people. And the first one to knock on my door will be shot. But just after a few minutes of saying it, I heard a knock on the door. It's my street gang descending on me.


I don't have patience for anything, but for some retarded sort of way, I have more forebearance towards these kids. Is it maybe because I live vicariously through them? The real vagabonds?

my mountain life

I hired this kid to weave coco branches to make into baskets to use as a hatching vessel for my chickens.

The neighbor's carabao grazing close to my hut

My caretaker's son dressing the chicken for our lunch and the yellow corn instead of rice.

The vagabond blood

Ever since I could remember, I've always had this secretly nurtured fascination towards the life of a vagabond. I think it's the concept of being "free" as the true meaning of the word implies: a wanderer, no residence and no visible means of support. No contracts, no attachments and no debts. No debts? Well, where will the bill collector find you? And phone reception under the bridge is not so good either.

Chat has sort of pinpointed my restlessness problem. (if you consider it a problem) She says the reason I'm always restless is because of the "vagabond blood" in me. But she says that this hut of mine in the mountain is just another one of my "new high"---just a pit stop until the "next restlessness comes along." But I honestly feel this has quieted down my restless spirit, sort of filled the longing void in my inner being which I could not articulate, and sort of makes me feel "completed". For now.

When I am in the mountain, my day is full; food preparation takes forever because I try to go back to the basic (except running water) like building a fire or I'm planting/replanting, making seedling beds and or just busy staring at the trees while drinking coconut water. When I am there, my caretaker and his wife and kids tries to make life easier for me, they try to help every which way they can. When I got there the other day, one of the boys went to the ocean to gather "jelly fish" to make into ceviche. What? Jellyfish ceviche? I tried to protest; citing cruelty to animals and disturbing the ecological balance, but they said it is all they got to eat sometimes. And who am I to say it's wrong to eat the Holy bread when one is hungry. I gave in, but this is where I draw the line. "You can eat them, but I just can't."

Fake it til you make it?

For most of my young life, I pretended. I pretended I was not afraid or insecure about my future. When I didn't have 2 pennies to rub together, I acted like I was a trust-fund diva, when my boyfriend dumped me, I told everyone I got tired of his crap so "I retired the sumbitch." I wanted to come out looking like I got it all together. It was a very tiresome job but I didn't want to give up the facade.
Until I found rest in Christ.

Having a personal relationship with Christ relieved me from having to pretend, from having to carry the load of the blame and the torment of guilt. Nursing a grudge and staying pissed at someone keeps your blood circulating, so I didn't want to give up my anger because if I did, nothing's left to keep me going. When you stay in a black hole for so long you'd start to believe that the whole world is black and brightness comes only from a flashlight. But how liberating it is when you can unload your guilt, anger, resentment and fear on the back of someone and leave it there. And have the boldness to ask Him to redeem your past and secure your future. This is what Jesus offers and it is free to anyone and everyone who will accept Him in His own terms.

I sit here reflecting and pondering because of what I have observed last night at my cousins wake. Except for one, all the members of the immediate family lives in a state of make-believe; pretend everything is ok and it will be ok. Fake-it til you make it, is a principle that works only in the bedroom, but in the everyday life, it will catch up with you and kill you.

Your guilt is paid for

My half of a cat

Chat was just here in Cebu to vacation and to do one vital assignment---to get this cat neutered. Most vets I've talked to said that neutered cats will live longer, will be less aggressive and will seldom leave the house because they won't be looking for a female to mate. This last part sounds ideal, I thought: why not do this to all human male? But then again, we already have enough of them couch vegetable who watch tv all day, doesn't work and refuse to die. (Who cares then who they mate and how often they mate)

Anyway, it's been 2 weeks since the surgery and the vet warned us that it will take a month for the neutered cat to fully know what happened to him-- that he's now half the cat he was. This explains why my cat seems confused; he'd dash in the house then sits and makes this awful dark deep voice, unlike his normal meow. Then he'd dash towards my bedroom which makes him frustrated because he finds that it's not big enough or far enough to exhaust his rush of hormonal energy. It's like getting a race car started, then the driver floors it only to find out he only has a foot of space. My cat has never learned to play with anything, but now he plays with stones, wires, leaves, and his new discovery---my legs. Whenever I pass by him, he'd paw my legs, then when I stop to scold him, he'd run, then comes back dashing again. I don't know what to think of his new behavior, but I like it that he's more energetic and playful, but I also worry because he's starting to act gay. And Cebu is already full of them, though my cat is prettier than all of them combined.

Medical Mission

My friends at the VNBC college organized a medical mission for the indigents in another island today. They wanted me to come and help, so at the crack of my eyelids this morning, I was at the port ready to get on our luxurious yacht.

There were 4 doctors; 1 from the US, 1 from Ukraine and 2 local doctors. The nurses were delayed in arriving so I was asked to assist the dentist which I did until she started pulling out her pliers to extract the tooth from the first patient. I moved on to interpret for Dr. Liev and Dr. Brad, and when I saw scabies and boils on most of the mothers and kids, I started to gag. I prayed and asked God to relieve me from the assignment and move me to the buffet line or the Spa table at the Shangri-la Hotel but God didn't indulge me. The day was long and hot, but it was very filling indeed.

It is 3pm on a Wednesday and I am sitting here drinking instant coffee. I just left Red Ribbon cake shop where I had brewed coffee and a sponge cake. So why so much coffee? Because I need to stay awake and because I am trying to jog my brain with caffeine---hoping it can remember what day it is. I've stopped taking my crazy meds and I'm just now starting again on it, reason I'm half dead, half drunk. I have a love-hate relationship with Lexapro; I quit it, then I take it back, then I tell myself I don't need it, then find out I need it. And need it bad. I love that Lexapro makes me look like I have it all together--like, I'm a responsible adult and am in control of the situation all the time. Two months ago when I found out that I was cheated on a land deal, about 1200 USD, I barely blinked an eye, I didn't lose sleep over it and just acted like there's more where that dollar came from. Because I was on Lexapro. Without Lexapro? Not a pretty picture. I also sleep so good when I'm on Lexapro. But the downside is, that I lock my jaw and make my TMJ (jaw disorder) worse. And nothing is more retarded than watching a person eat her burger cut up in little pieces, fed tenderly with a fork into a barely open mouth. Ok, now my forehead is on the keyboard. I need to sleep this off but first let me check my calendar and see what day it is today.

mountain get-away

After Chat left for the US the other day, I needed my own vacation so I spent 2 nights in my hut in the mountain.

My caretaker is a fisherman, handyman, etc, and his wife takes care of the plants when I'm not there. I let her do the cooking also because she loves using lemongrass and turmeric and herbs in almost everything. I am still learning how to navigate this new user interface that blogspot has adopted, so I am having a hard time posting pictures. I have more but seems like it freezes after the 3rd one.

Blogspot is a mess/NOTICE

I am frustrated because blogspot has messed up my uploading capabilities. I can't post pictures!!!
And the format to compose a post has changed....What the hell is going on blogspot? I need to go back to the old format but I don't know how. I have had this problem for over 2 weeks now and I am very frustrated because I don't even know how to edit my posts anymore. I may have to close this blog and start another one. I don't know, all I know is that I am very frustrated.

Vacation is over

My baby left this morning and I'm feeling a pang of pain deep in my gut. I am able to enjoy my days here in Cebu because I know I can always get on the plane and go back to my apartment in Dallas anytime I want, and knowing this also reduce the pain of missing Chat. Otherwise, I would not know how to live if I can't get to Chat anytime I want.

Don took Chat in and raised her as his own and in every way, the American way. He never discouraged Chat from having a relationship with her biological father, but as we all know, a father is nothing but a sperm donor if he does not partake in the raising and nurturing of that child, and yet, Chat is more than kind and gracious to her sperm donor. Whenever she's in Cebu, she always takes the time to see him.

Pause...

Chat is in town for a week so I have to deviate from my dull routine and do things that are not so dull and cost money. Good thing it's not my money we are spending.