Right after I gave up my apartment here in Dallas and I went back to the islands, I enjoyed the extra money I didn't have to pay for rent. But within the next 3 months, I started to feel stuck in Cebu and displaced from America and I started feeling the lack of enjoyment in my stay there. All I wanted to do was get out and come back here. So now am here and as I was browsing at the grocery store this morning, I am once again feeling justified for feeling that I really belong here. I look around this apartment, and although it's not mine but Chats', I feel so at home. I love everything about this apartment; the wood floors, the granite countertops and the ground level set up. So now back to the same old question: Should I get a husband or get a job?

Ok. So here I go again. I am bored. I am missing something but I don't know what it is. But then again, what's new?  Anyway, I finally cured my "island fever"--you know, the feeling of being trapped in that little island? I promised myself while I was still in Cebu that as soon as I get here, I will get behind the wheel and drive on the freeway wherever it takes me. Well, I did. I drove to Louisiana using my friends truck that he loaned me. He told me to keep it as long as I want to. Oh really?

Anyway, I made the 4.5 hour drive in 3.45 which after being on the road for 2 hours just about killed me from boredom because as you know, I have the attention span of a gnat. I stopped by this place to eat and they were closing already, but the waiter gave me a bowl of peach cobbler for free. Not bad huh.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life. In 2 hours I will meet my preferred choice in this online dating I got myself entangled with. Out of the 3 hard to pick choices, I've painfully let go of the other 2 and picked him. I joke and make light of things about dating, but seriously, I have 2 things that have to be met before I would even consider any serious conversation with a prospective husband/lover. First, his heart must love God more than me or he should not be after mine. If he truly loves God, he'll know how to love me truly. Second, he must be emotionally and financially generous. It's good to have a man with an impressive number in the bank, but if I have no full access to that, then I'd rather have someone who has less but gives me every penny of it.

I've probably mentioned the above in my previous posts but I just need to be occupied or distracted right now because I am anxious and can't think of anything to do or write. My brain is flushed out of my head and only thing left there are voices and I'm trying to shut them up because I'm unable to understand them. Oh well, this jetlag is evil.

I arrived yesterday and this morning I took my early morning jog and I almost cried from happiness. A feeling of "undeserving entitlement" came over me; I could not begin to explain how kind and benevolent God has been to me. The reason for the sudden surge of gratefulness towards God was because I felt so happy being able to take my morning jog in a place so unlike my life in Cebu. In Cebu, regardless how early I get up to walk, I still have to deal with the noise of numerous public transportation and filthy roads. Not to mention my lungs feeling so congested from the humidity. In my gratefulness, I went to buy this basil and tomatoes to drop on the ground on the little space we have in this apartment. I want to see life blossom in this new apartment I have, until I come out of this foggy, trance like feeling and know what I want to do.

In a few hours I will be heading to the airport to catch my flight back to Dallas. I was hoping someone would buy my lot in Manila so I can plan on coming back soon. I need the money to build a real house on my land in the island where my farm is now, but since it didn't happen, I may end up staying in Dallas longer. To work. Or get married.

I was hopeful that my ex who now lives in Malaysia was going to buy my lot. For the price I offered him, it should have been just a drop in the bucket for him. I suggested for him to buy it and give it to one of his exes or to one of his girlfriends and in doing so, he would be helping me too. But then again, I should know better to be hopeful about exes.....they're less likely to give you the time of day even if they're standing by Big Ben.

So, if on my next post you find that I'm already married, it's because I find marriage less work than working. I'm rubbing the Buddha's stomach for luck.

This is my new high. This is what stirs my blood right now, I'm taking my love for the rednecks seriously---I is going to live in Louisiana.

I have less than 2 weeks before I'd have to fly back to Dallas. I have to make a quick decision now, see if I should just cancel my booking and go someplace else instead. I used to look forward to going back,  but this time I am dreading it. I don't have my own apartment anymore where I can crash all day, all night or never sleeps at all, at least the first week. My jetlag is like no other; I get groggy, I can't smell, taste or hear and I'd have flu like symptoms for over a month and as I get older, the worse it has become.

If I have my own place, I can wake up and make coffee, cook whatever stinky food I want and get in the car and go wherever. Of course if money grow on trees, this won't be an issue at all. Oh well, I'm trying to consider my options here and I'm not coming up with anything better. The only other option is not something I was considering until this new living arrangement came up. Maybe I should just move in with Jesus. Hmmm.

Some really good things came out of my membership with eHarmony, but ohmylanta, these Nigerians search me out like I'm truffles underground. But I'm way ahead of them now because I know what to look for and how to handle them. After all, this email I got yesterday that screams of Nigerian footprints was my 6th one.

So I emailed him back. I asked him where he was, he told me he was in "LA". Unless, you're in a coma, you know that it means Los Angeles. I said: Wow, Hollywood. No comment. "How long have you lived there in Louisiana?" 6 months he said. "Are you near Monroe, La." He said yes. The bottom feeder  now has entered my trap, but not totally yet. "What is your phone number, I will call you" "Well, let me be the man here and let me be the one to call you."
I was going to tell him I was one State away from him and I want to drive to see him. And then along the way, on the freeway, I stopped by a convenient store and found that my credit card was cancelled, would you wire me some money. I know he wasn't going to run to the next Western Union office and send me the money, but I wanted him to know that I'm ahead of the game. Well, we didn't get to that part because the next email I received was from eHarmony telling me that they have blocked the oxygen thief, bottom feeding scum "for reasons that threatens the integrity of your profile".

I swear that if I see one Nigerian walking down here in this island, I would grab him and march him down to my pastor's house so he can be introduced to Jesus and the cross. Then I will make him like Jesus. I will hang him and make him pay for the sin of his people. And I will only lower him down, after my street kids are done skinning him. Praise the lord.

The first time I got married, I married for love. Ok, maybe it wasn't love. Maybe it was a pelvic reaction and a hormonal choice. For crying out loud, you were 17, you'd say. Well, I wasn't informed about all that female medical term, so I called it love --whatever love means to a 17 year old. After that, I married for economic reasons. Yes, I'm not going to sugar coat it or hide that fact of my life because I was honest about it before I married my husband. Fast forward to now. So how should I base my decision this time? Definitely not for economic reasons anymore, but I am also not going to jump in the sack with someone who lives under the bridge, whose only property in his name is a stolen shopping cart from Wal-Mart.

This time, the guiding stick would be "chemistry" or pitter-patter as I call it. I want someone who will make my liver quiver, gives me sleepless nights and dreamy days.  And then, I'll worry about how we're going to pay our bills.

Yesterday, I deactivated my Facebook account just so I can say to myself that I am in control of some things in my life. I also do this because I want people to look for me, so I can feel important. One of my young fans (yes, I also like to delude myself and call them my "fans") emailed Chat looking for me. So this morning I woke up to Chat's email.

"I can see MY men looking for me by emailing you, but it is embarrassing when your toddler  boy emails me looking for you. Eeeeeew." She could just leave off that last part, you know.
Anyway, I am too nosy to stay off Facebook, so I'm back on it. After all, I don't want to be called anti-social.

 I just had a friggin meltdown. I thought my anxiety disorder is under control but it's not. After a week of postponing to go see a dentist, I finally did it today. I've been having this spontaneous discomfort in my gum, not necessarily painful but a pulsating pain which I thought is caused by a hidden cavity. I have a high tolerance to pain and I would tolerate anything just so I don't have to see a doctor. But I wanted to see a dentist before I leave for the US because I don't want to have to deal with this if in case, it gives me trouble once I get there. God knows, the cost to have dental care in the US is a friggin rip off.

My anxiety was building up even while I was still in the taxi. By the time I was done and out of the dental chair, I was a useless walking nut. From the outside, I look ok and is in control of my surroundings, if only you could see the mental and emotional anguish I was going through. But you won't, because this is all in my head. Again, you can't relate to this, unless you have this malady.
It's that overwhelming feeling of losing control, unable to think because it feels like the brain is flooded, or bound in a cling wrap. When this happens, I just want to cry and cry freely. But I can't because I was in the middle of the friggin mall. So I came home and called my new male friend. So I can wail. In his ears. Brilliant move, right? Well, guess what, I'm not trying to impress anybody with anyone other than with myself . What you have is what you get.  "It's ok baby, I will take care of you. This is why I want to bring you home here in the US, so I can look after you. Did you want me to come and get you?" Oh, daang I'm not that crippled. You see, part of me loves this, but part of me says,  you may be a confused nut job, but you're an independent nut job. Oh well. Here I be again.