Listless Days, Restless Nights

Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Behold I would wander far away, I would lodge in the wilderness. I would hasten to my place of refuge. From the stormy wind and tempest - King David (Psalm 55:6-8)

The best of life is over and it's bitters double...I am sick at heart. I have outlived all my appetites and most of my vanities - Lord Byron

I called Chat today to tell her I want to move to Fisherman's Reach, NSW Australia where my cousin and her husband lives. "Mom, last week you were ready to move to New Mexico -you just want to go anywhere as long as it says "new". You're acting like Angelina Jolie - except that she has money and you don't." Oh, minor details.

Fishing in Oklahoma 2 weeks ago. Reason to move to Fishermans Reach. My motto: Simplify, Simplify. With internet connections of course.

Paul Potts and Arnel Pineda

An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. She does him good and not evil all the days of her life. Proverbs 31:10 - 12



On June 9, 2007, twelve days before Arnel Pineda's life was about to change for good, Paul Potts was making his mark at Britains Got Talent. Watching his rendition of Nessun Dorma, roughly translated as "None shall sleep," I could not help my emotion of pity and excitement. Paul Potts approached the microphone and Lord-help-us Simon Cowell, visibly nervous and hesitant to smile because of his crooked teeth. He sang and the crowd erupted into applause and awe - including Simon. The rest is here.

Julz and Cherry - the two women behind these men. Julz and Paul has been married for 6 years and Julz helped Paul sacrificially and emotionally. When Paul was temporarily incapacitated due to an accident, Julz was there to help bathe and feed him. But I believe the reason Paul kept going was because Julz was there simply believing that Paul will one day live out his dream of doing "what he was born to do".

Listening to snippets of Cherry's interview, I get the idea that she had always believed in Arnel's talent that needed to be harnessed, but no one noticed. Watching the latest interview of Arnel Pineda with Wonder Mom and looking at Arnel in his new house with a snapshot of Cherry on his lap, is enough to make you believe in God. And fairy tales. When Arnel got on the first plane out after his last concert, you know the man had a homing device back in Manila. It's called Cherry.

Stephen King, once said of why he persevered and became a successful writer : "I would have dropped the whole thing had my wife said one single word of discouragement, the reason I kept going was because she was behind me." I agree, kill a man's dream and aspirations and you will surely bury him alive.

We've heard it said, behind every man's success or failure is a woman, a woman's job is never done..etc. God has created us all for a purpose but what really is the woman's role in a man's life? I used to think - you wake up very early then wake up your husband, if he gets up and goes to work, then your job is done and you go back to sleep. No wonder I is single.

I Miss Freddy- Viva Farrokh

Five months before Freddy Mercury died of AIDS, he wanted to do one more song. The video was done in black and white to hide his faltering health. I miss you Freddy.

Sometimes I get to feelin
I was back in the old days - long ago
When we were kids when we were young
Thing seemed so perfect - you know
The days were endless we were crazy we were young
The sun was always shinin - we just lived for fun
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just dont know
The rest of my lifes been just a show

Those were the days of our lives
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one thing is true
When I look and I find I still love you

You cant turn back the clock you cant turn back the tide
Aint that a shame
Id like to go back one time on a roller coaster ride
When life was just a game
No use in sitting and thinkin on what you did
When you can lay back and enjoy it through your kids
Sometimes it seems like lately - I just dont know
Better sit back and go with the flow

Cos these are the days of our lives
Theyve flown in the swiftness of time
These days are all gone now but some things remain
When I look and I find no change

Those were the days of our lives - yeah
The bad things in life were so few
Those days are all gone now but one things still true
When I look and I find
I still love you

Can I? Or May I Leave Now?

Lovers and madmen have such seething brains - Shakespeare

It's 1248 at night and I just hang up from my boyfriend (but Chat says when you're over 50 -you should not call each other bf/gf but nursing-home-friend). I am seething blue from anger. Anger at myself. We women are gifted with a sixth sense - we know when a relationship is over long before we know how to put it in words. But we don't leave, we don't confront, we don't even stop being nice to him inspite that we're dying inside. We stay until there's nothing left of us but a shadow of who we were.

I know I should have walked away from this relationship two years ago. But I didn't, because I didn't want to be alone, and I didn't want to have to explain to friends why it did not work. So I continued with the show, because really, it's all a show. See? I have a boyfriend, you don't need to pity me. But the resentment was eating me alive. The resentment became too much to hide, I lost my self-respect, which diminished my respect for him. And in time, slowly but surely - loathing and contempt has come. Not towards him but me.

I am angry for not having the courage to walk away from something that has suffocated my spirit and stopped me from feeling whole. From something that is hindering me from moving forward towards independence. Most of us stay in a relationship for financial reasons. That's why we women should establish ourselves financially and spiritually before we embark on a relationship, so when we meet that man, we will know for sure that we are not in need but in love.

It's healthy to be angry as long as we don't let it control us or it will lead to unforgiveness. Unforgiveness not only imprisons but also makes us sick. The antidote to unforgiveness? I try to remember that one man named Jesus ransomed me not with gold or silver but with His own blood. And I remember to be grateful that when things seem so dark, I'm not lost even when I could not find His hand, because I know His heart. And I hear Him whisper : Don't cry because it's over, be happy because it happened. I will try but not tonight.

The Lullaby Man

I am one who needs at least an hour of preparation to go to sleep - meaning, I lay in bed for at least an hour wrestling with my brain to stop thinking and go to sleep. Until now, I have not considered the idea of having a man lull me to sleep. But where do you buy them? And can you train them? I don't mean the puppies.

God Blessed The Broken Road

Video Courtesy of Yeroon123-Thanks. By Selah.

I can't begin to understand the pain you're going through. But God does.

Hang in there Seve

Never regret anything that made you smile - Ruslana Kurshonova

I don't know Severiano Ballesteros, I only met him last year at the Masters Tournament through NJ, but Seve made me smile, made me feel good - I even promised to see him in Carnoustie for The Open, knowing that I could not afford to go there. It's just as well that I didn't go because he made his announcement there to retire. In 1975, he started in Carnoustie, it's just fitting to end it in Carnoustie.

At practice at Augusta National. I have other pics I took of him but this is my favorite I used as my screensaver.

Twenty five years ago, NJ would bore me with golf and talks about Seve incessantly and I would pretend to be the "interested, good listener girlfriend" (shut up already) but when I finally met him last year, all I could say was, "Ooh, wow, really?" This Spaniard took my breath away. Winner of 5 majors, gray speckled hair and a flat belly? The British gallery loves him because Seve wears his heart in his sleeve. Seve cries. And I just love a man who cries.

And now I cry, because Seve is laid up in a hospital in Madrid because of a brain tumor. He made this statement from his hospital bed before the surgery :

"Throughout my career I have been among the best at overcoming challenges on the golf course," Now I want to be the best confronting the hardest challenge of my life - with all my strength, counting on all of you who are sending me encouraging messages."

Seve, I am praying for you. Look up from whence comes your help, your help comes from the Lord.

2008 Petit Le Mans

At last years Le Mans, Chat kept telling me how exhilarating it was to be around different race cars and the European race car drivers. (Lord help me, remember how she got me started with the Arnel Pineda video?) So this time I told her to make sure and bring me back videos of roaring engines and hot European men.
Well, I got 90% of Chat and only 10% of Le Mans.

My Arnel Is Getting Married

Love does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things - 1 Corinthians 13:6-7


I knew it. All along, I knew it. I was betting on a winner. That is My Arnel. I received an email this afternoon telling me about Arnel Pineda getting married. My heart rejoiced and I blurted out proudly to my co-workers : I knew he would do the right thing!

Arnel Pineda completed a whirlwind tour of 69 performances, with an album that made platinum and a bonus of women - young and old willing and wishing to throw themselves at him. Yet, My Arnel knows what matters. And what matters most.

I don't know Arnel and I don't know Cherry but I always pray for God to comfort Cherry's heart because whoever said that distance makes the heart grow fonder, is a fool. Distance makes the heart forget.

In my quiet moments I often wonder what it must feel like having a famous husband or boyfriend who is away and all you see is a YouTube or webcam version of them. How tough do you have to be so you can sleep well at night and be at peace during the day? Yes, you can spend well but you don't live well. I don't care what people say, yes, Filipinos are used to being separated and still manage to stay married. That is why my heart aches for the OFW's. But what kind of a marriage? And does it have to be that way?

I am very glad that Arnel came to this decision. Arnel needs Cherry now more than ever because fame is very oppressive. Arnel's eyes have lost it's sparkle and I expected this to happen, because the endorphine enduced high stimulated by the all too sudden fame is all too much for the body to handle. The mountain top is nice for a visit but we can't live there, we have to come down because it's in the valley that we grow.

Now, I only wish that Arnel gets married in the Philippines and not here in America because over there I don't have to be invited. As long as my friend's neighbors cousin's co-workers mother is invited, I am in.

My journey in New Mexico

OMG!!! I fell in love with New Mexico. I did not get to meet any of the Jboys, but that's ok. I prefer it that way anyway. I'm not even sure I want to go to the "meet and greet" because I am afraid that the cleaning crew would not be happy cleaning after me. Unless I have my Depends ready.

But I did get to meet interesting people.

The Navajo Code Talkers where the movie The WindTalkers (Nicholas Cage) is based from. I got my book The Code Talkers signed by all of them.

Michael Thomas - a jazz musician who plays at the plaza. I asked him if he has a real job, he said No. He barely makes enough money but he's doing what he loves.

Joseph and his dog "sister". Joseph has no home but a tent up in the hills of Santa Fe. He has been living as a vagabond for 2 years now after serving the US army. But he prefers it that way. "It is more peaceful, and I want peace" he said. Now I know how a well-heeled woman suddenly becomes homeless - she falls in love with a homeless man and moves in with him.

Steve has a simple wish: I want to be a tricycle driver. When he came to New Mexico from Michigan 2 years ago, on vacation with his wife, he rode in one of these. He told his wife "I want to move here and this is what I would do, drive people around for a tour." I'm not sure what happened to the wife after hearing him proclaimed his lofty goal and achieved it too.

And last but not least. Marikit from the AP shoutbox read my blog about me coming to New Mexico. She emailed me and wants to know if we could hook up, of course we can. She bought her concert and plane tickets and we met for the first time. She has such a calming presence, unassuming but independent spirit and a Manchester United die-hard fan. We had such a great time talking we forgot to take pictures of us. Until we meet again, glad to have met you Dr. Geslani.