Christmas Again?

The father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. - 2 Corinthians 1:4


Five months after Don died was my first Christmas without him and I did not want to spend Christmas with anybody - not even with Chat and John. I was trying to learn to live life alone. I was holed up at the Manila Peninsula for Christmas eve and Christmas day.


After I checked in, the concierge asked me if I was going to have Christmas eve dinner at one of their restaurants. I told him no, that I will be going out with friends. I did not want to give the impression that I was alone and lonely. But The Pen hospitality is amazing; around 8pm that night someone knocked at my door with a light dinner and a bag of chocolates and one almost 8" chocolate santa. How did they know I was alone and lonely after all? The gesture made me feel good. But I was still lonely.

The next day I went out and amidst the crowds and noise at Glorietta, I could hear my own heartbeat throbbing in my chest. I was having panic attacks so I started to head back to the hotel, then a woman sitting alone on a bench caught my attention. She was watching the people merrily going in and out of the mall - she was looking but not seeing. Her eyes were so sad and empty I felt like I saw myself in her. I started to feel my own tears, I wanted to just sob and wail maybe, but I controlled myself until I was back alone in my hotel room. The crying made me feel good. But I was still lonely.

That night I ate alone again in my hotel room and that night I also made a discovery: The heart of the problem is the problem of the heart. People, places and things will not comfort a lonely heart. In fact, sometimes it only aggravates the wound. Who can best fix the problem if anything is broken? Of course, we consult the manual or call on the Maker of the product.

On the way to the airport, the driver started talking to me. I did not realize the hotel gave me the same hotel car and driver who picked me up 2 days earlier. "Ma'm don't be sad anymore. But even if you look sad, you're still beautiful." I've only heard of only one person in my life who called me beautiful, and that was Don. How does he know I'm sad? In America when someone compliments you, you say 'Thank You,' but in the Philippines when someone compliments you, you tell them to shut up (or something like that). I didn't know how to respond, I just kind of looked at him cross-eyed. I was still lonely. But he made me feel good.