I want to be infatuated again, but this Lexapro won't let me. Do you remember that word of our youth, "infatuation"? You know, that distracting state when we can't work, eat or sleep because we're obsessed with a boy? I read that infatuation is like a narcotic drug and has the same measurable effect on the brain as that of being addicted to cocaine.  The brain is in an obsessed state and it will do whatever it takes to get to the source of that obsession.....the opiate of cocaine or a lover. But my brain is in a stable and quiet place, it's not looking for an opiate. It is lazy. So what to do?

I had a conversation with an acquaintance the other day and it went like this.

Him: Hey, I'm curious. I heard that an 18 year old Filipino girl doesn't have a problem marrying a 70 year old American man.

Me:  Correct. In fact, I know a few.
Him: Why is that?
Me :  Because we like white people and green bucks.
Him: And the girl doesn't feel awkward with that arrangement?
Me : No, because she's practical and she's used to it. That's almost the norm back in the Philippines; young girls being kept by old, rich Chinese businessmen or old, corrupt politician.
Him: Really? So how did you get here?
Me: When you see a Filipino woman, most likely she got here because she's a nurse or as a mail-order wife. I am not a nurse.
Him: Wow, maybe I can go there and get me my 18 year old. (chuckle)
Me: Well, if you're not on the FBI's child molester list, you just might be able to.

This is my observation and experience, so if a Filipino reading this is offended or disagree with me, I'd say you must have lived away from that country and sheltered enough to be oblivious to the shimmering reality.

The other day another girlfriend asks me: How do you get a good man? The answer to that is very simple---don't get a bad one. Seriously, I would not get into a relationship that I could not sustain. What I mean by that is, when I first meet a prospective boyfriend I always look for the basic traits that's vital for me to even go further than the first date. And you will know this right off even without probing too deep into his life. How do you do this? You don't talk----you let him talk and you listen carefully.

But how do you make a man talk, especially after he's been burned so many times? I ask questions. He doesn't like my questions or doesn't like me asking questions at all? Then I can't sustain this relationship----the game is over because I am the type who will ask questions, many questions and very personal questions. What is his relationship with his mother, his ex-wife if he has one, his kids, and most of all, who is God to him? And trust me, his answer to this questions will give you your answer as to how he would treat you and money down the line without directly asking him about money and how he uses it. It is a lie when people say money is not an issue when it comes to meaningful relationships. Sooner or later money will pop it's camouflaged head in your pre-marital or marital jungle and you stagger out of there saying: He's become so selfish. Nobody becomes, he already was, but you missed it. And how did you miss it? By not asking questions. Because you were afraid to lose him, so you lost yourself. And when you lose yourself, you lost everything.

Chat needs to have her own baby so she can divert her attention from me. "oh my god, you're doing a selfie? I make fun of people on Facebook with their  selfie". Was her reaction when she saw me busy posing for myself. "I am busy running a company and here you are, busy doing a selfie." Well, what else is there to do? I make the redneck pose for a selfie too and he doesn't get annoyed. Until after the 100th time and he'd say in a tone edging towards disgust: "Baby, stop that already. Go find something else to do." OK, but do this one like you're Jason Statham.

And I am Kate Blanchett. Omg, I need to double my meds.

I have been considering buying a Keurig coffee maker since it came out, but I always ask myself: What for? I love the ritual of making coffee, but sometimes it's too much work. Too much work!!!What have I become.

In the early 70's when all these household gadgets started appearing in American homes, people were skeptical but excitedly anticipated for the novelty and the break it promised to housewives from the unending housework. "So you can have more time to spend with your loved ones." At least that's what they thought, or that was the plan. Yet, look at us now. Women used to meet at the river or at the well to do their laundry and had strong bonds with other women. And still had time to grow a vegetable garden and cook organic meals. Now? Well, you know where I'm going with this. I don't even have time to sit here and develop my thoughts more thoroughly. Why? because Netflix is calling me and I still have to check in with Facebook. I haven't even answered my emails and texts. And oh, I I need to call or email Apple to tell them that their new IOS7 sucks. I really need that Keurig now.

Chat eats like how rich people eat; salad and soup then her meat of choice then her dessert of choice. And with wine of course. While I on the other hand, is too  lazy to wait or too anxious to get to the meat. Or too poor to afford all that.  I reach for and gobble on the meat and be done with it. I was trained that way; growing up with 5 siblings and the shadow of one barely visible fish on the table, you have to be quick or nothing left for you.

But because I have been living with Chat since I got back a week ago, my daily activity now consists of eating and eating lots of food. Yesterday, she decided she wants to start "juicing" so I did too.  She used her new juicing machine, the latest addition to her hundreds of machines considered to be for "your health." You know, like the exercise machine----you just can't find one you like for more than a week, so you keep buying until your wallet becomes thin.  She concluded that juicing is not for her. I tell her juicing is good (you'd suppose I know better because I'm the oldest, right?) but she doesn't listen to me, so I end up being her student. Juicing for us may have ended before it even started, but just as well until we find something more exciting. Like, maybe getting pregnant? No, not me, I mean her.

"Giving is the best communication"

If affluence makes a person happy and content, why is it that half the population of this country is being sedated? Could it be that we watch too much television showing rubbish like: Man vs. Food, Iron Chef, the Kardashians and Mama June with Honey Boo-boo? What the....?

Eating is supposed to be an enjoyable activity and food preparation is presumed to be a leisurely and passionate endeavor and relished to an orgasmic state even. Reality tv is just too much reality and some people doesn't know how to pick out which is wholesome and what is trashy. And we expose our kids to it. And expect wholesome, functioning kids without Ritalin?

I can't watch Man vs Food or Iron Chef without my blood pressure being raised to a boiling level. And while I think that Mama June and Honey Boo Boo has had too much encounter with  food, the Kardashians I think has had too much encounter with the knife......you know, the matriarch Kardashian married to that mannequin of a husband who used to be a celebrity athlete? Was he a woman in his previous life? You see how scared he look when the matriarch is talking to him? Oh well, no wonder I don't watch tv because I don't know how to critique constructively.

Instead of feeling like I have 2 countries to call home, I feel homeless. Yesterday, when Chat and I were driving around, I was so ecstatic for the fact that I am here. In the US. With Chat. But there's that subconscious tugging feeling of missing the people I left behind in Cebu. I think about my boys, I think about my cat and then there's my farm. Of all the things that keep me going there, it is the farm that I consider my lifeline; it is what neutralizes me when I start to spew venom of complaints about the filth and congestion in the city.

But food remains to be a comfort for such a time of longing and confusion.

Ok, the eagle has landed and dropped me off here in Dallas.  And I feel good. But I miss my farm and my farmer friends. Our last minute gathering 6 hours before I had to get on the plane. Here, explaining the plant Blue ternatea and Pink Katuray. The leaves when mature to be used to embellish a salad or color a drink naturally.

Finally after 2 years, I harvested something to eat out of this fruit tree. The leaves are very useful to use as medicinal tea.