Local Job Opening

A new position just became available at Matrix, a local company here in the Philippines that manufacture small kitchen appliances. Bring your resume' and see the CEO or the COO or whoever is at the door who's awake, and tell them I sent you. If they tell you there is no job opening, tell them yes, there is--- that you're applying for the Technical writer position. If they insist that they have one, you tell them that he/she won't be there long because I'm going to murder that fool. You see, I just bought this pressure cooker and you know how I loathe reading instruction manuals--and I say that even with English speaking technical writers. So my frustration level was at its peak this afternoon when the pressure cooker I bought came with this useless piece of paper that I was trying to understand. Is it cryptic? Or am I just that dumb? Here's what it says:


1. If you cook easily expanding food such as beans, corn, kelp etc, they can not outstrip the one-second of the pan body in height. (Is this an engineering lingo or some crap you picked up from the village idiot?)

2. Nothing else can not be placed onto the limited pressure valve. (What did your English teacher say about double negative?)

3. It can not be used to cook without water or it will not be used as a pressure pan. (uhmmm, I got it)
4. Using gas or stove to cook, you may obey the above ways. But don't use a big flame. ( No, I won't use a big flame. Ever)

5. The parts of the pan cannot be changed at will, the parts in our company can only be used. (I think not just parts of your company but the whole company should be changed. At will.)
6. The children below 13 are forbidden to use the pan. ( American or Asian children? I will Definitely forbid Bin Ladin's spawns to come near it.)
7. The limited age of the pan is eight year. ( You mean, if I don't use it, right?)

It took almost 6 hours for me to tenderize a kilo of ox tripe, so I bought this pressure cooker to lessen my electric bill. But reading this manual raised my blood pressure to a boiling point, I think I'll use charcoal out in the yard, using a pot 100% pan body and height, but not in the big flame.